YOU'VE BEEN CHEESED!

I lied.
I'm not a professional aspiring basketballer, or a stair repairwoman, or anyone else I may have led you to believe I am.

Hi, I'm Zach,

And I'm kind of the big cheese around here.

I'm glad you took the time to look up my website. Unfortunately, I am a man of absolutely no qualifications, so if you're needing help philosophizing or solving the Great Mouse Mystery, I can't help you. If you need help knowing the difference between entropy and enthalpy, though, I'm your guy.I understand that it may take you some time to make peace with the fact that you just got absolutely CHEESED, so if you need some space to process, feel free to figure that out yourself. In the meantime, I'll just be saving the American Revolution by launching a surprise attack on Hessian forces at Trenton, securing a desperately needed victory after months of devastating defeats.

Pictured: Me, saving the American Revolution by launching a surprise attack on Hessian forces at Trenton, securing a desperately needed victory after months of devastating defeats

You may also be interested to know that

I HAD EVERY PART IN MAKING THIS WEBSITE

(and the business cards, for that matter.)

So, if I have embarrassed myself, please know that it was all my own doing and completely not AT ALL the fault of my super awesome friend, Rylan, who would NEVER do ANYTHING to make me look a fool.

Pictured: Rylan (right) and me (wrong)

oh, whoops, I mean

Rylan (right) and me (left)

Pictured: Pope Sweet Jesus and Lord Have Mercy

Now, while I may have JUST NOW fooled you completely, and this may well be the first time I'm meeting you, I can guarantee you that I know exactly what's going through your head right now:

"Man, that guy is just so totally familiar!"

heh. right you are.

Ever heard of the Marvel movies? Ever heard of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson? Ever heard of the Madagascar, or perhaps Madagascar 2: Escape to Africa?
Ever heard of the cow who jumped over the moon?

yeah. that's me.

Now, you're probably wondering, "Zach, how did you get to be so big in Hollywood and children's nursery rhymes?"

Three words.

My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors LAST NIGHT (which, as you can imagine, is pretty serious.) Right before he lost consciousness, Ferris told me, "Zach, don't listen to haters. Chase your dreams. Never let anyone tell you that you're too chud to inspire the masses." Ferris knew that it had been my long-time dream to do something inspirational. Of course, what I didn't know was that Ferris knew exactly what that thing was going to be, and I also didn't know that Ferris knew that the haters didn't know that my little legs aren't powered by any old cow's milk like the average fellow who you might find in the Walgreens drive through. No—heh—no, no. (¬‿͡¬)You see, I drink choccy milk and choccy milk only. That's my big secret. And after years of shaking my poor fist at the sky, dreaming of making it to the big leagues, whispering to myself, "One day, Zachary, one day you they will respect you," I finally knew what Ferris had been talking about, all that time.In that moment, I knew that all I had to do was jump over the moon.It wasn't long after that I noticed that my incredible, almost superhuman athletic ability began to extend to my weak little legs. I started to work them out more and more, and jump higher and higher. The moon was attainable yet. Eventually, a few big-time Hollywood producers found me and said, "We don't really know what you're doing, we definitely don't know why you're doing it, but we're big fans of your performance as the original voice of Mort." From there, the rest was history.I became a universal symbol of hope everywhere. A lot like Spiderman really, or the guy who invented Scrub Mommy. Was it easy? No. But was it dignified? Also no. But greatness requires sacrifice, and sometimes that sacrifice means losing your ability to drive just because you grew your quads so drastically that you can't press down on the gas pedal without destroying the car, and so now you have to bum rides off of all your friends just to get anywhere ever. I had to make sacrifices that no ordinary man could understand. But I would do it all over again, because at the end of the day, what is greatness if not the ability to inspire others to follow in your footsteps? Not that I wanted people to follow in my footsteps, really. I just wanted to gain some sense of notoriety. It's actually kind of an inconvenience. Nowadays it's all, "Big Cheese, what is your secret?" and, "Big Cheese, how can I achieve the legendary greatness that you've achieved?" I mean, come on, what do they want from me? A manifesto? They could be fascist anarchists for all I know. Still doesn't change the fact that I can't drive.Not that I condone fascism, or any ism for that matter. Isms, in my opinion, are not good. A person should not believe in an ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon,
"I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."Good point there. After all, he was the walrus.I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off of people.

In other words,
years of practice.

I also like turkey bowling

Pictured: Rylan and I, again

for serious business-related inquiries, please do reach out to [email protected]

• Click Here to Send an Email

Try inquiring about such things as:

• professional jumping lessons, and whether my technique can be taught to ordinary civilians
• tickets for my motivational tour, with celebrity guest Ken Jeong
• booking requests for weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs, graduation ceremonies, etc.
• sponsorship opportunities
• general inquiries about how one becomes a legendary figure with little to no obvious qualifications
• counseling about why this website exists and what decisions led you here

no, really—try inquiring!

Thank you for your patronage. May your days be long, your cheese be plentiful, and your decisions be all the more reasonable than mine. Together, we have accomplished absolutely nothing. It has been an honor to waste your time.

If you enjoyed this website,
it's just going to ask you a few questions on the screen

I spent a good 30 minutes deciding what to put here

That's all, folks.

stay cheesy.