YOU'VE BEEN CHEESED!

I lied.
I'm not a professional aspiring basketballer, or a stair repairwoman, or anyone else I may have led you to believe I am.

Hi, I'm Zach,

And I'm kind of the big cheese around here.

I'm glad you took the time to look up my website. Unfortunately, I am a man of absolutely no qualifications, so if you're needing help philosophizing or solving the Great Mouse Mystery, I can't help you. If you need help knowing the difference between entropy and enthalpy, though, I'm your guy.I understand that it may take you some time to make peace with the fact that you just got absolutely CHEESED, so if you need some space to process, feel free to figure that out yourself. In the meantime, I'll just be saving the American Revolution by launching a surprise attack on Hessian forces at Trenton, securing a desperately needed victory after months of devastating defeats.

You may also be interested to know that

I HAD EVERY PART IN MAKING THIS WEBSITE

(and the business cards, for that matter.)

So, if I have embarrassed myself, please know that it was all my own doing and completely not AT ALL the fault of my super awesome friend, Rylan, who would NEVER do ANYTHING to make me look a fool.

Pictured: Rylan (right) and me (wrong)

oh, whoops, I mean

Rylan (right) and me (left)

Pictured: Pope Sweet Jesus and Lord Have Mercy

Now, while I may have JUST fooled you, and this may well be the first time I'm meeting you, I can guarantee you that I know exactly what's going through your head right now:

"Man, that guy is just so totally familiar!"

heh. right you are.

Ever heard of the Marvel movies? Ever heard of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson? Ever heard of the Madagascar, or perhaps Madagascar 2: Escape to Africa?
Ever heard of the cow who jumped over the moon?

yeah. that's me.

Now, you're probably wondering, "Zach, how did you get to be so big in Hollywood and children's nursery rhymes?"

Three words.

My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors LAST NIGHT (which, as you can imagine, is pretty serious.) I blah blah blah. Something something more more more more.

In other words,
years of practice.

I also happen to be BLNAKNALBALNALKSNLKA blah blagh balh yappity yap yap

Pictured: Rylan and I, again

for serious business-related inquiries, please do reach out to [email protected]

• Click Here to Send an Email

Try inquiring about such things as:

something stupid
something stupid
something stupid
something stupid
something stupid
something stupid

Thanks for blah blah blah abl,hahahana!

If you enjoyed this website,
it's just going to ask you a few questions on the screen

something something

That's all, folks.

stay cheesy.